I think there are so many DIFFERENT types of tough situations that can be life altering. I hope to share how I handle my tough situations as I move through this process of recording my stories and scrapbooking my photos. If you have specific questions about how I would handle a tough situation let me know and I will share either what I have done, or what I would do.
Denying myself the choice to leave is moment number 22 on my list. It marks a point in time when I felt torn between doing what would make me happy and not hurting my father’s feelings.
Here is my story:
I was totally confused.
I wasn’t happy a LOT of the time.
More than anything I felt alone and wanted my mother…but she had been gone for several years at this point, and my father was making a NEW life for himself and I was not wanting to create a new world for myself, my brother, or my father. I did NOT want the changes that were happening to my family.
I must have made things REALLY difficult for Sandy.
As my new mom she was just DIFFERENT from the mom I remembered having. Those differences were immense to me and too much for me at 11 to cope with. I didn’t make life easy for Sandy and my dad.
I can’t remember what happened to inspire this conversation my dad had with me, but I am sure it was a million little things that just added up over time. I do remember that we were living in Juneau, Alaska at the time and were living in our first home there. I was in the 5th grade and was dealing with new students at school, some who were friends and others who were not. I was surrounded by people who for the first time in my life didn’t know why I have scars all over my face. More importantly these people were of an age where they didn’t care to know either. So, I was having issues at home, and would go to school listening to the boys chant “scar face” at me during recess. Then, I’d go home again, to a home that was so different from my life that I remember having with my mother, that I was completely miserable. I must have made life miserable for my family too, because one evening my dad pulled me into another room and asked me a question : “Do you want to go and live with your Grandma Irma?”
My heart jumped, because I truly wanted nothing more than to go and live with the person who could fill me with memories and moments of my mom. Then, I looked at my dad’s eyes…this man who never cried had eyes that were brimming with tears.
I was completely torn. Do I say, “YES, I WANT TO GO! With all my heart yes!” or do I tell my father, “No. I want to stay here.” I didn’t want to hurt my father’s feelings. I told him I wanted to stay with him. I simply couldn’t hurt his feelings.
Later, I cried…for giving up happiness. If I had made a different choice at that moment my life would have had a new path. I can only imagine how different my childhood would have been. Instead, I stayed the course. Never sharing how I truly felt with anyone, but my grandmother. Fighting the prospects of a new family, a new mother, a changed father, and strangers who didn’t know my story, or how much I had been through in such a short period of time. All of this changed me as a person. I put up walls to protect me from hurtful words and I only had a few friends, and I longed for my 2 weeks every year with my grandmother.
Today, when I think about this life changing moment…I smile a little at the girl I once was. I realize what a HUGE decision that was for an 11 year old, and that I didn’t know what was best for me at that time. At eleven I simply wanted to make others happy. I have learned though that no one will be happy around me unless, I am happy with myself – my life. Once I became happy with my own life, my family life began to change as well. Fences were mended, and new relationships began to blossom from what was once old hurt. I have learned that happiness is a choice. And I choose to be HAPPY, no matter where I am in life!
There is so much more to this story that could have been said to place people in my life in a bad light. Instead, I am choosing to focus on me, my feelings, my choice, and how this choice has led me to where I am today.
The concept of this album is really freeing, because I can now tell these stories in a way that is meaningful, and without the story placing blame on others. One thing I have learned since leaving home is that as a child I really had NO idea what the motives were of my family members, or even why they chose to live life the way they did. Just as my kids don’t understand why they can’t have another chocolate chip cookie. They only see that I am telling them no and being mean. I am thinking about everything else they ate today and how another cookie wouldn’t be the best choice. It is for this reason, that I am choosing not to judge others in my journaling, but instead focus on me and the path that each moment sent me down.
Oh, another thing. Each time I scrapbook pages for this album, I am amazed at how easy it is to sit down and write the story, then gather pictures, and assemble the page. Having a list and a place to start makes scrapbooking heritage photos FUN! I never thought of heritage photos as fun before, just a HUGE problem that I had NO idea how to handle. I am now in LOVE with scrapbooking older photos, photos about my life instead of just the current photos. 100 life changing moments has opened so many doors that once were dead bolted shut. If you are still on the fence as to whether or not you should give this a try, I urge you to hop off and experience all of the new doors that will open for you!
Tomorrow I will spend some time discussing how I go about choosing heritage photos to use on my pages and tell some of my life changing moments.
